3:84

Note: Don't worry. This can't possibly turn into an 84 part griping session. Even my brother couldn't teach Josephine to be THAT difficult.

I don't think.

Jason's Ruination of his Sister via his Niece Tactic #3 : Spontaneous Helplessness

What's up with this latest tactic of declaring that she suddenly can't do something? Within the last 24 hours we've had both these conversations:

Josephine: Moooom, I caaan't pick up my spoon to eat my vegetables.

Me: Really? Can you pick it up to eat your pasta?

J: Yes. I can.

Me: Then do the same thing to eat the vegetables.

J: I caaaan't! See? My hand-- it's here-- it can't go there. (as she demonstrates how her hand is apparently frozen to the tip of the spoon and therefore can't hold it properly)

Or last night's conversation....

Josephine: But I can't get in bed!

Me: Yes you can, you do it all the time.

J: No, I CAN'T!! I need the cushion.

Me: Here's the cushion. Climb into bed. It's nighttime.

J: I CAN'T!! I can't get my foot up on the cushion!! I can't get in bed!

Me: Okay, I'll put you in bed. (as I pick her up and put her in bed.)

J: (screaming) NOOOO don't put me in bed!! I want to do it MYSELF!!!!!!!

Me: (miraculously not screaming) Okay, then do it yourself. Try again.

J: (after scrambling out of bed and standing next to the cushion) I can't get in bed!! See my foot can't go up!!!

These are the abbreviated versions of the conversations. You would not BELIEVE how many times she alternated between "I get in bed myself!" and "I can't do it!" back to back that night. It bewilders me what must be happening in her brain at a time like that. If the confused verbal outpouring is any indication, it must be total chaos in there.

I need a trained child psychologist working full-time in my home; I am no match for this.

And then on the other hand, I don't really want that, as it would probably just end up incriminating me as a terrible parent who is somehow ruining this poor soul. "Yes, Ms. Sims, your child is avoiding these simple tasks out of sense of feeling overwhelmed and stressed. The minuscule portion of vegetables you put on her plate that night was just too much for her at that moment in time. By now you should have developed the prophetic powers necessary to know that ahead of time. You have failed on all counts and effectively rendered her with multiple personality disorder all due to her attempts to categorize her responses to various overwhelming food groups. She will need therapy the rest of her life. Way to go. And you say you're having another one? Poooooor unborn child."

Yeah, I'll avoid the professional opinions for now. I'd be committed in no time and that'd make my brother entirely too pleased with himself.